15-20% of all recognized pregnancies will end in miscarriage. Most women of childbearing age will have 2 miscarriages, though depending on her regularity and how early it comes, she may not notice. Most miscarriages happen because of abnormal cell division that results in chromosomal abnormalities, 80% of them occurring during the first three months of pregnancy.
I know this. I thought I was ready for this. I expected to be sad, but not so sad. I expected to grieve, but not so much.
A few days ago I was 10 weeks, 6 days pregnant. Today I am not.
When I first wondered if something was wrong, it could have been normal. By the next day, though, it didn't seem normal anymore. I called the midwife. Unfortunately, there's still a 50% chance that it's fine, and an equal chance that it's not... I elected to have an untrasound. I wanted to know. We are so glad that we did this, my husband and I sitting in a room together, our guts both preparing us to grieve, but not willing to say the words until we had some proof. I have had ultrasounds before. In my previous pregnancy, at six weeks we got to see the little heart, a little pocket of skin -- open close open close open close open close. So now, we watched for it. The outline of the baby became clear; early, but clearly there. But no movement, no heart beat, no life.
The strips flowed across the screen, one for placental blood flow -- fluid. One for fetal heart tones -- nothing.
It became real. This was a little baby; I saw its picture. This little baby within me was already dead.
The midwife confirmed what we had already seen. "This baby, this pregnancy didn't make it. I'm so sorry." The next day, she called me with the report. The baby measured at 6 weeks, 5 days. What?! The baby measured at not quite 7 weeks; I knew for sure I was nearly 11 weeks pregnant. My body held onto this child for almost 4 weeks after it was no longer longer growing, no longer viable. My body held onto this baby for a month, and I didn't know anything was wrong. I didn't sense, didn't imagine, didn't fear. It took four weeks for my body finally to begin letting go.
So now, we work on our own letting go. We grieve the loss of this child, of the way we imagined our family to be. A friend led a service of blessing for us, our little family gathered together. We ask questions, we cry, we wonder. In my grief, I ask deep questions. Why, God? What did I do wrong? Are you telling me not to have more children? What does this mean? My husband's questions are a bit different. Could the baby think yet? Could it know anything? Our friend told our daughter that the baby is in heaven, with God; is that true?
As a pastor, I felt I should have had an answer to that one... but I had to walk into it. Heaven is our mythical way of talking about and understanding what happens after we die. We can't possibly know what it will look like or be like, but we need some language to talk about it. We also can't possibly know whether we will know or recognize each other, and once we die, it won't matter. But if I've been married for 60 years and my husband dies, I need to be able to imagine that when I die, we will be reunited. We believe that God will give us that gift. So, talking about heaven is making a theological claim about who God is.
We repeat Jeremiah 1:5, "Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you." We repeat Psalm 139, "You created my inmost being. You knit me together in my mother's womb." We believe this. We believe this is who God is. So, God knew me before I was born, and God knows me now, and God certainly will not turn away once I die. God knew this little child before it came to be. God knew this baby as its heart stopped beating. God knew this baby as it passed. And God certainly will not now turn away. So yes, this child, this little baby with whom we had so little time... God cradles it in his strong father's arms. God holds it close to her own mothering breast. This baby that we love, God loves, too.
And so,
Child of God, we entrust you to the arms of God's mercy.
Almighty God, who formed us all out of the dust of the earth, receive you in peace.
Christ, the Good Shepherd, enfold you with his tender care.
God the Holy Spirit, our Comforter, bear you to life in God's new creation.
May you dwell forever in the paradise of God.
Amen.
(from Evangelical Lutheran Worship Pastoral Care: Occasional Services, Readings, and Prayers)
Monday, September 3, 2012
Monday, July 23, 2012
Apathy or Action
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures:
he leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul:
he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me;
thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies:
thou anointest my head with oil;
my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life:
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.
As I prepared to preach this week, these words from Psalm 23 echoed in my ears, reverberating louder than the words I was reading in the New Revised Standard Version. It appears that somehow, over time, these words have etched themselves into my heart, into my soul. Without trying, I repeat these words in this antiquated language, and the psalm transports me into the very presence of God.
I do not know how these words came to be etched on my heart. Perhaps they were some of the many verses that I learned in Bible classes as a child. Perhaps it is because they are spoken at so many funerals. Certainly I have heard this psalm read in many places, repeated over and over again. And somehow, these words carried their way past my conscious mind and into a hidden place in my heart. Generally, I am suspicious of Bible verses that are so ubiquitous as this. I have heard so many verses repeated over and over, used to hurt people, to deny people their life, their dignity, their truth. Many verses become darts spat at people or groups, at "others" whom we fear or hold in contempt. Alternatively, we sometimes love Bible passages because, when taken out of their larger context, we allow them to leave us placid, apathetic toward the injustice within ourselves and our society against which the whole Bible cries out.
Perhaps Psalm 23 is a favorite for that reason. But this time, I think not. As I repeat it again and again, it is this phrase that reverberates the loudest: "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I shall fear no evil. For thou art with me. Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me." Maybe this line strikes me because I've been too close too recently to my own death-shadows. I don't think so, though. I think this line strikes me, because I think it strikes all people. The human condition means that each of us, in our own times and in our own ways, face valleys darkened by clouds or rain or cliffs so high the sun simply doesn't penetrate to where we are. Whether we struggle with our own mortality or a loved one hanging on only by a thread, our own deep depression or watching the torment of a sister or son, terror over trying to stay afloat in a house that's underwater or seeking meaning in a world where 70 innocent people who are just out for a good time are shot and 12 of them killed, each of us faces death-valleys in our lives.
Our valleys look different from each others', and we stumble or fall or run right into them at different times in our lives. But once we're there, watching the wolves circle closer and closer, feeling our back up against the rock wall, our souls cry out with the same questions: Who am I? Do I exist? Do I matter? Am I alone?
And here, the shepherd responds, with rod and staff to guide us. Who are you? You are mine. I have marked you and sealed you, called you and claimed you. Do you exist? Out of the dust I have created you in my very own image. Do you matter? I know what plans I have for you, plans to give you a future and a hope. Are you alone? Here I am, always with you.
Perhaps this comfort may leave us apathetic. But I don't think so. Death-valleys paralyze. Filled with fear, we have no space for faith, for hope, for movement, for change. Faced with death or our own annihilation, we cannot move, cannot act, and so often even cannot pray. So words etch themselves onto our hearts, into our souls. Words that will come back to us in moments of terror, in days of faithlessness. Words that can still our fears, give breath to our bodies, hope to our souls. Words that will stir us to action, into a closer relationship with the One who frees us. Words that return to us to the presence of God, and our own voices to cry out to others in their death-valleys. Ultimately, words that lead us into our own witness, our own prophetic work against the injustices we see in our own souls and in our world.
And surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures:
he leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul:
he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me;
thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies:
thou anointest my head with oil;
my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life:
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.
As I prepared to preach this week, these words from Psalm 23 echoed in my ears, reverberating louder than the words I was reading in the New Revised Standard Version. It appears that somehow, over time, these words have etched themselves into my heart, into my soul. Without trying, I repeat these words in this antiquated language, and the psalm transports me into the very presence of God.
I do not know how these words came to be etched on my heart. Perhaps they were some of the many verses that I learned in Bible classes as a child. Perhaps it is because they are spoken at so many funerals. Certainly I have heard this psalm read in many places, repeated over and over again. And somehow, these words carried their way past my conscious mind and into a hidden place in my heart. Generally, I am suspicious of Bible verses that are so ubiquitous as this. I have heard so many verses repeated over and over, used to hurt people, to deny people their life, their dignity, their truth. Many verses become darts spat at people or groups, at "others" whom we fear or hold in contempt. Alternatively, we sometimes love Bible passages because, when taken out of their larger context, we allow them to leave us placid, apathetic toward the injustice within ourselves and our society against which the whole Bible cries out.
Perhaps Psalm 23 is a favorite for that reason. But this time, I think not. As I repeat it again and again, it is this phrase that reverberates the loudest: "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I shall fear no evil. For thou art with me. Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me." Maybe this line strikes me because I've been too close too recently to my own death-shadows. I don't think so, though. I think this line strikes me, because I think it strikes all people. The human condition means that each of us, in our own times and in our own ways, face valleys darkened by clouds or rain or cliffs so high the sun simply doesn't penetrate to where we are. Whether we struggle with our own mortality or a loved one hanging on only by a thread, our own deep depression or watching the torment of a sister or son, terror over trying to stay afloat in a house that's underwater or seeking meaning in a world where 70 innocent people who are just out for a good time are shot and 12 of them killed, each of us faces death-valleys in our lives.
Our valleys look different from each others', and we stumble or fall or run right into them at different times in our lives. But once we're there, watching the wolves circle closer and closer, feeling our back up against the rock wall, our souls cry out with the same questions: Who am I? Do I exist? Do I matter? Am I alone?
And here, the shepherd responds, with rod and staff to guide us. Who are you? You are mine. I have marked you and sealed you, called you and claimed you. Do you exist? Out of the dust I have created you in my very own image. Do you matter? I know what plans I have for you, plans to give you a future and a hope. Are you alone? Here I am, always with you.
Perhaps this comfort may leave us apathetic. But I don't think so. Death-valleys paralyze. Filled with fear, we have no space for faith, for hope, for movement, for change. Faced with death or our own annihilation, we cannot move, cannot act, and so often even cannot pray. So words etch themselves onto our hearts, into our souls. Words that will come back to us in moments of terror, in days of faithlessness. Words that can still our fears, give breath to our bodies, hope to our souls. Words that will stir us to action, into a closer relationship with the One who frees us. Words that return to us to the presence of God, and our own voices to cry out to others in their death-valleys. Ultimately, words that lead us into our own witness, our own prophetic work against the injustices we see in our own souls and in our world.
And surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
Monday, May 14, 2012
An Open Benediction
To let it come,
awash in grace
peace
love
To open the heart,
the indwelling of Spirit
peace
love
To breathe into space
calling on grace
peace
love
[breathe]
The indwelling of Spirit
peace
love
grace
be with you this day and evermore. Amen.
awash in grace
peace
love
To open the heart,
the indwelling of Spirit
peace
love
To breathe into space
calling on grace
peace
love
[breathe]
The indwelling of Spirit
peace
love
grace
be with you this day and evermore. Amen.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Disciplining the Soul
While still thinking about sacred spaces, I am reminded that so much work toward changing what is around us begins with what is inside of us. If I truly want to answer the question, "How can I create sacred space around me?" then my first question must be, "How can I create sacred space inside of me?"
My spiritual director, likely unknowingly, asked me to address the question through meditation. I am terrible at meditation. For me, focus on one thing seems impossible unless I am filtering out alternative inputs. I am challenged to find stillness in my life anyway - not only is life busy with church and family, but I live in the same world you live in - with radio in my car, TVs playing at the gas station or grocery line (during the rare occasions that it is me and not my husband doing the shopping), email and even games available on my phone, and constant tailored-for-me input on my computer. In the midst of so much activity and invitation, I have a hard time turning off, tuning out, and focusing on anything. By the time I get everything turned off and I tune out, I have difficulty staying awake!
So while prayer is a natural part of my day-to-day life, my prayer life fits well into my busy lifestyle. God listens while I drive; I listen while music plays; God listens while I do laundry; I listen while I read the Bible and prepare a sermon; God listens while I nurse my infant; I listen while I shower... and on and on and on. Certainly, I would be blessed by more contemplative prayer time (an offering of our midweek Lenten services at St. James this year), but I still experience my prayer life as vibrant. Meditation, though, is different. Meditation is an invitation to stop, to invite quiet, stillness, peace. It is an invitation to focus on one thing (in this case) or even no thing. Meditation invites me to
STOP.
And in the outside quiet, I discover inner discord. Anxiety about what else I "should be" or "could be" doing in this moment. Anxiety over whether I am doing right by my congregation. Anxiety about my call and my relationship to God and my next steps. Anxiety about who I am and how I am. I find I am spending quite a long time noticing these anxieties and trying to let them go -- asking God to hear them, heal them, take them -- before I can ever move on to the task on which my spiritual director set me.
"Walk with Jesus," she said to me "this Lent. Walk with him to the cross. Hold his hand, if you can. See what happens. You have as much comfort to offer him as he has to offer you." Envision this. Meditate on this. Take this journey, together.
It was a completely new thought to me that I might have something to offer Jesus in the walk toward the cross. There is profound insight there, and no doubt an important journey. But I cannot even begin this journey until I can find a place of stillness, a place where anxieties can be laid aside, a place where I can be embraced fully as the whole person I am - foibles and all - within myself.
And so, I am working to discipline my soul. Through contemplative prayer during my Lenten services, through a meditative journey with Jesus. I am working to find safe, sacred space within myself. And each moment where I find safety, I seek to expand it. Each day that God successfully wrests from me my anxieties long enough to find Jesus, I take a step forward.
I am committed to making this sacred space a living, embodied reality. Within. Without. For me. And for others.
And, again, I believe that every child of God, every person in this world, needs and deserves to find this sacred space.
My spiritual director, likely unknowingly, asked me to address the question through meditation. I am terrible at meditation. For me, focus on one thing seems impossible unless I am filtering out alternative inputs. I am challenged to find stillness in my life anyway - not only is life busy with church and family, but I live in the same world you live in - with radio in my car, TVs playing at the gas station or grocery line (during the rare occasions that it is me and not my husband doing the shopping), email and even games available on my phone, and constant tailored-for-me input on my computer. In the midst of so much activity and invitation, I have a hard time turning off, tuning out, and focusing on anything. By the time I get everything turned off and I tune out, I have difficulty staying awake!
So while prayer is a natural part of my day-to-day life, my prayer life fits well into my busy lifestyle. God listens while I drive; I listen while music plays; God listens while I do laundry; I listen while I read the Bible and prepare a sermon; God listens while I nurse my infant; I listen while I shower... and on and on and on. Certainly, I would be blessed by more contemplative prayer time (an offering of our midweek Lenten services at St. James this year), but I still experience my prayer life as vibrant. Meditation, though, is different. Meditation is an invitation to stop, to invite quiet, stillness, peace. It is an invitation to focus on one thing (in this case) or even no thing. Meditation invites me to
STOP.
And in the outside quiet, I discover inner discord. Anxiety about what else I "should be" or "could be" doing in this moment. Anxiety over whether I am doing right by my congregation. Anxiety about my call and my relationship to God and my next steps. Anxiety about who I am and how I am. I find I am spending quite a long time noticing these anxieties and trying to let them go -- asking God to hear them, heal them, take them -- before I can ever move on to the task on which my spiritual director set me.
"Walk with Jesus," she said to me "this Lent. Walk with him to the cross. Hold his hand, if you can. See what happens. You have as much comfort to offer him as he has to offer you." Envision this. Meditate on this. Take this journey, together.
It was a completely new thought to me that I might have something to offer Jesus in the walk toward the cross. There is profound insight there, and no doubt an important journey. But I cannot even begin this journey until I can find a place of stillness, a place where anxieties can be laid aside, a place where I can be embraced fully as the whole person I am - foibles and all - within myself.
And so, I am working to discipline my soul. Through contemplative prayer during my Lenten services, through a meditative journey with Jesus. I am working to find safe, sacred space within myself. And each moment where I find safety, I seek to expand it. Each day that God successfully wrests from me my anxieties long enough to find Jesus, I take a step forward.
I am committed to making this sacred space a living, embodied reality. Within. Without. For me. And for others.
And, again, I believe that every child of God, every person in this world, needs and deserves to find this sacred space.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Sacred Spaces -- A next step
I believe that every child of God, every person in this world, needs and deserves to find sacred space.
I believe that churches should be sacred spaces. I believe that God intends for church to be safe space, sacred space in the way I have described. And, I believe that few churches meet this intention, or even think about it.
This, I believe, is tragic. It is sinful. Fundamentally, it is wrong.
Throughout history, churches have tried to set themselves apart from society as places to meet God. They have done this through gathering together, massive and beautiful buildings, careful planning and preparation, Biblical reading and preaching. Too often, though, the sense of being "set apart" leads away from the sacred instead of into it. Rather than finding safety, one experiences judgement. Rather than invitation, threat. Instead of a grace-filled journey toward wholeness, a piece-meal collaboration of cliques and rules and unspoken demands that engender confusion, fear, and isolation. Churches so often invite people toward wholeness in name only, and invite them into illusory lives through the living, being, and teaching of the church.
Sometimes, even now, one finds God in church. Certainly, God makes her presence known in sacrament (bapitsm and communion, in the Lutheran tradition), in worship, through community. God makes her presence known through good ministry to "the least of these" and care for her children. But far too often, God becomes known in spite of pastors, congregations, and churches instead of because of them. Far too often, God's presence in these places becomes something seldom noticed or sought; a nice idea that becomes taken for granted because church is supposed to be a holy place, and therefore it must be, right?
I do not mean to indict any particular person or tradition, but simply to name a reality in which I live and of which I am often guilty myself. What would it mean for church to be truly sacred space? Can we envision a church where there is not judgement but a grace that holds us accountable and calls us out when our actions or attitudes bring hurt and harm? Does the possibility exist that we could create an embodied presence of God through safety, respect, and relationship? Might there be a whole congregation in which people feel embraced for who they are, foibles and all -- and also called to live courageously into the people God is calling them to be?
I believe this must be possible. Perhaps, I believe this because it is my vocation -- my calling from God -- to be a pastor in the church. God has tied me to Church in a way that I cannot (and, if I'm honest, dare not) escape. I believe all people deserve sacred space. I believe all people need sacred space. I believe God calls us as Church to be sacred space. And so I believe that God calls me also to take part in creating sacred space, in my congregation and in the larger church.
And this is where I falter. Why me, O God? What does this mean, O God? How are you moving, O God? What are you calling me to do (or worse?), who are you calling me to be, O God?
For now, today, I have received no answers. Only questions. God often works this way, I think... calling us to ask important questions long before providing insight. Inviting us into reflection first, and action later. I prefer the action step. But for today, I will live in the tension... and I will pray that my colleagues and friends, my congregation and God's church, will live in the tension too. May we be seeking God's presence, God's sacred space, in our lives and in the church. And may we follow the path God is creating for us, even now, to create that space among us, too.
Today, I live in the tension... with courage and with trepidation, too.
I believe that churches should be sacred spaces. I believe that God intends for church to be safe space, sacred space in the way I have described. And, I believe that few churches meet this intention, or even think about it.
This, I believe, is tragic. It is sinful. Fundamentally, it is wrong.
Throughout history, churches have tried to set themselves apart from society as places to meet God. They have done this through gathering together, massive and beautiful buildings, careful planning and preparation, Biblical reading and preaching. Too often, though, the sense of being "set apart" leads away from the sacred instead of into it. Rather than finding safety, one experiences judgement. Rather than invitation, threat. Instead of a grace-filled journey toward wholeness, a piece-meal collaboration of cliques and rules and unspoken demands that engender confusion, fear, and isolation. Churches so often invite people toward wholeness in name only, and invite them into illusory lives through the living, being, and teaching of the church.
Sometimes, even now, one finds God in church. Certainly, God makes her presence known in sacrament (bapitsm and communion, in the Lutheran tradition), in worship, through community. God makes her presence known through good ministry to "the least of these" and care for her children. But far too often, God becomes known in spite of pastors, congregations, and churches instead of because of them. Far too often, God's presence in these places becomes something seldom noticed or sought; a nice idea that becomes taken for granted because church is supposed to be a holy place, and therefore it must be, right?
I do not mean to indict any particular person or tradition, but simply to name a reality in which I live and of which I am often guilty myself. What would it mean for church to be truly sacred space? Can we envision a church where there is not judgement but a grace that holds us accountable and calls us out when our actions or attitudes bring hurt and harm? Does the possibility exist that we could create an embodied presence of God through safety, respect, and relationship? Might there be a whole congregation in which people feel embraced for who they are, foibles and all -- and also called to live courageously into the people God is calling them to be?
I believe this must be possible. Perhaps, I believe this because it is my vocation -- my calling from God -- to be a pastor in the church. God has tied me to Church in a way that I cannot (and, if I'm honest, dare not) escape. I believe all people deserve sacred space. I believe all people need sacred space. I believe God calls us as Church to be sacred space. And so I believe that God calls me also to take part in creating sacred space, in my congregation and in the larger church.
And this is where I falter. Why me, O God? What does this mean, O God? How are you moving, O God? What are you calling me to do (or worse?), who are you calling me to be, O God?
For now, today, I have received no answers. Only questions. God often works this way, I think... calling us to ask important questions long before providing insight. Inviting us into reflection first, and action later. I prefer the action step. But for today, I will live in the tension... and I will pray that my colleagues and friends, my congregation and God's church, will live in the tension too. May we be seeking God's presence, God's sacred space, in our lives and in the church. And may we follow the path God is creating for us, even now, to create that space among us, too.
Today, I live in the tension... with courage and with trepidation, too.
Sacred Spaces -- Part 2
I have a love-hate relationship with flying. For one thing, I truly believe flying to be safe in the logical part of my brain (I've certainly flown often enough without incident). On the other hand, my brain and my heart feel disconnected as I sit in a jet, expecting that nearly a million pounds of metal, luggage and human beings will somehow not only get into the air but stay there until the pilot wants to come down again. My pulse always quickens on take-off and landing and in turbulence ("Keep us safe, O God!"), but it quickens in the same way when I ride a roller-coaster ("This is fun! ...I think"). Plus, I'm a solid X on the introvert-extrovert Myers-Briggs scale. So I never know whether to talk to the people I'm sitting next to or leave them alone, and I'm never quite sure if I'd rather have them talk to me or be left alone, either.
There was a time that I flew through Detroit often enough that I knew the location of every Starbucks in the airport, and knew immediately, based on the gate we were flying into, which one I'd be stopping at on my way to my next gate. Think what you will about Detroit, but that airport is one of the nicer airports I've flown through. (Though I'll admit that probably had something to do with the Starbucks-to-gate ratio at the time.) So, it was not an airport I particularly minded sitting in, alone, sipping my latte and reading a book while I waited for my next flight. However, on this particular day, I could not focus on what I was supposed to be reading -- and "supposed to be" was true, because I was missing classes for this flight. I was flying "home" to a congregation I had served as an intern, to participate in the funeral of one of the most beloved women in the church, and one of my most beloved mentors. I had only returned to school 6 weeks before, and before I left, Donna had looked just fine. She had just been diagnosed with breast cancer, but our conversation still held great hope for her future -- there are incredible treatments for breast cancer these days, and she was still young enough and healthy enough to fight it. But somehow, her body had failed her. She had not taken well to chemotherapy, and took ill with a case of pneumonia that she could not fight. Her vibrant life faded over the course of just a couple of weeks, and she passed blessedly quickly but almost without warning. The congregation, already grieving the loss of a pastor and then my return to school, was thrown into a roiling grief again... a third loss, another hit for which they felt totally unprepared. In fact, the congregation had paid for my expensive short-notice plane ticket so that I could be with them for the funeral. They needed me there with them as much as I needed to be with them. Yet, in my own private grief, I wondered how I would ever be able to minister to my grieving friends and mentors.
And so, sitting alone in the Detroit airport, I grieved.
And then, suddenly the woman sitting next to me pulled out her carry on bag. Throwing me a shy, guilty smile, she pulled out a little white mop of a dog and sat him on her lap. "I'm really not supposed to do this," she explained, "but he's been all cooped up in there for so long; I thought he should stretch his legs." He hardly had any legs to stretch, but he was perfectly happy to lick at my hand and allow me to pet his head. Making small talk, I asked the woman where she was going and why. After she shared her story with me, she asked the same of me. I explained that I was headed to a funeral in Charlotte, Michigan, a small town outside of Lansing. Just then the woman sitting behind me turned around. "I couldn't help but overhear that you're headed to a funeral in Charlotte. You wouldn't be going to Donna X's funeral, would you?" As it turned out, this woman had been Donna's best friend since kindergarten, and she was flying in from Florida. For the next 15 minutes, while we waited for the plane to board, we talked with each other about Donna, her love of life, her stubborn character, her love of God. We dawdled when our boarding numbers were called, so glad were we to have each other to share our grief with. Finally, we boarded our plane. And, we discovered, our seats were located across the aisle from each other.
And so, for the next hour, a woman whose name I cannot remember and I shared our private grief with each other, across the aisle of an airplane. We shared our stories and our memories and the reasons why Donna had been so important to us. As the plane landed and we said our goodbyes, I discovered a strength within myself that I hadn't known before. Still, I grieved. But my heart hurt just a little less, the laughter and shared tears having lightened my burden. Getting into a church member's car for the ride home from the airport, I felt ready for the conversation about grief and shock and death that awaited me. I felt strengthened to be present with the congregation, vulnerable and grieving and yet strong.
In the shared experience of grief and laughter, I found sacred space. In the middle of a busy airport, aboard a crowded airplane, I experienced the sacred. In the happenstance relationship, the mutual sharing, the invitation to be who I was and fully present in that moment without judgement, God opened safe space for me to grieve, and grow, and discover courage... the courage to be more fully who God was calling me to be. I can only imagine that the woman I was talking with found the same thing. In a moment that we needed it the most, we found sacred space.
I truly believe that every child of God, every person in this world, needs to find sacred space like this.
There was a time that I flew through Detroit often enough that I knew the location of every Starbucks in the airport, and knew immediately, based on the gate we were flying into, which one I'd be stopping at on my way to my next gate. Think what you will about Detroit, but that airport is one of the nicer airports I've flown through. (Though I'll admit that probably had something to do with the Starbucks-to-gate ratio at the time.) So, it was not an airport I particularly minded sitting in, alone, sipping my latte and reading a book while I waited for my next flight. However, on this particular day, I could not focus on what I was supposed to be reading -- and "supposed to be" was true, because I was missing classes for this flight. I was flying "home" to a congregation I had served as an intern, to participate in the funeral of one of the most beloved women in the church, and one of my most beloved mentors. I had only returned to school 6 weeks before, and before I left, Donna had looked just fine. She had just been diagnosed with breast cancer, but our conversation still held great hope for her future -- there are incredible treatments for breast cancer these days, and she was still young enough and healthy enough to fight it. But somehow, her body had failed her. She had not taken well to chemotherapy, and took ill with a case of pneumonia that she could not fight. Her vibrant life faded over the course of just a couple of weeks, and she passed blessedly quickly but almost without warning. The congregation, already grieving the loss of a pastor and then my return to school, was thrown into a roiling grief again... a third loss, another hit for which they felt totally unprepared. In fact, the congregation had paid for my expensive short-notice plane ticket so that I could be with them for the funeral. They needed me there with them as much as I needed to be with them. Yet, in my own private grief, I wondered how I would ever be able to minister to my grieving friends and mentors.
And so, sitting alone in the Detroit airport, I grieved.
And then, suddenly the woman sitting next to me pulled out her carry on bag. Throwing me a shy, guilty smile, she pulled out a little white mop of a dog and sat him on her lap. "I'm really not supposed to do this," she explained, "but he's been all cooped up in there for so long; I thought he should stretch his legs." He hardly had any legs to stretch, but he was perfectly happy to lick at my hand and allow me to pet his head. Making small talk, I asked the woman where she was going and why. After she shared her story with me, she asked the same of me. I explained that I was headed to a funeral in Charlotte, Michigan, a small town outside of Lansing. Just then the woman sitting behind me turned around. "I couldn't help but overhear that you're headed to a funeral in Charlotte. You wouldn't be going to Donna X's funeral, would you?" As it turned out, this woman had been Donna's best friend since kindergarten, and she was flying in from Florida. For the next 15 minutes, while we waited for the plane to board, we talked with each other about Donna, her love of life, her stubborn character, her love of God. We dawdled when our boarding numbers were called, so glad were we to have each other to share our grief with. Finally, we boarded our plane. And, we discovered, our seats were located across the aisle from each other.
And so, for the next hour, a woman whose name I cannot remember and I shared our private grief with each other, across the aisle of an airplane. We shared our stories and our memories and the reasons why Donna had been so important to us. As the plane landed and we said our goodbyes, I discovered a strength within myself that I hadn't known before. Still, I grieved. But my heart hurt just a little less, the laughter and shared tears having lightened my burden. Getting into a church member's car for the ride home from the airport, I felt ready for the conversation about grief and shock and death that awaited me. I felt strengthened to be present with the congregation, vulnerable and grieving and yet strong.
In the shared experience of grief and laughter, I found sacred space. In the middle of a busy airport, aboard a crowded airplane, I experienced the sacred. In the happenstance relationship, the mutual sharing, the invitation to be who I was and fully present in that moment without judgement, God opened safe space for me to grieve, and grow, and discover courage... the courage to be more fully who God was calling me to be. I can only imagine that the woman I was talking with found the same thing. In a moment that we needed it the most, we found sacred space.
I truly believe that every child of God, every person in this world, needs to find sacred space like this.
Sacred Spaces -- Part 1
My therapist and I (but let's be honest, mostly my therapist) expend a great deal of time and energy cultivating "safe space" for us to occupy together. Interestingly, the confidentiality of our relationship makes up only a tiny part of what characterizes this safe space. In fact, confidentiality matters almost not at all -- I would trust her to share whatever she saw fit with whomever she saw fit, even without telling me about it -- so strong is the sense of safety that she has cultivated for me.
In my therapist's office, safe space becomes an embodied reality. First, she pays careful attention to the room itself. The room is comfortable with a door that locks and an understanding that only people and attitudes we invite are welcome. The occasional changes in the room, most times fluid though sometimes abrupt, mark the reality of life outside and around that space, and the movement invited within the space. The smell of a candle permeates the space and sets it apart, without overpowering it. It is just warm enough, just light enough, just big enough.
This space holds no judgement. Not that we accept anything or everything; that would not be safe. Rather, the space gently expands to hold conflict and tension in a way that does not diminish the space available for movement and understanding. In this space, we recognize and call out harmful and hurtful ideas and behaviors not through judgement but with grace. I sense that she cannot bear to allow harm because of her deep care and concern for me in my journey toward wholeness. And yet, all things can be named, shared, reflected upon without fear of retaliation, anger, or contempt. Mutual sharing, trust, and relationship characterize our space together, expanding the possibility for safety within ourselves and therefore with each other also.
This space is unique in my life, offering a safety seldom available in the rest of the world. It is space to be really and truly me, foibles and all -- and a space to live courageously (and sometimes uncharacteristically) into the beauty of the person God created me to be.
And so, I call this space sacred space, holy space. Space truly set aside as different. Space that embodies the presence of God. A place inviolate, protected, secure.
I believe that every child of God, every person in this world, deserves to discover sacred space like this.
In my therapist's office, safe space becomes an embodied reality. First, she pays careful attention to the room itself. The room is comfortable with a door that locks and an understanding that only people and attitudes we invite are welcome. The occasional changes in the room, most times fluid though sometimes abrupt, mark the reality of life outside and around that space, and the movement invited within the space. The smell of a candle permeates the space and sets it apart, without overpowering it. It is just warm enough, just light enough, just big enough.
This space holds no judgement. Not that we accept anything or everything; that would not be safe. Rather, the space gently expands to hold conflict and tension in a way that does not diminish the space available for movement and understanding. In this space, we recognize and call out harmful and hurtful ideas and behaviors not through judgement but with grace. I sense that she cannot bear to allow harm because of her deep care and concern for me in my journey toward wholeness. And yet, all things can be named, shared, reflected upon without fear of retaliation, anger, or contempt. Mutual sharing, trust, and relationship characterize our space together, expanding the possibility for safety within ourselves and therefore with each other also.
This space is unique in my life, offering a safety seldom available in the rest of the world. It is space to be really and truly me, foibles and all -- and a space to live courageously (and sometimes uncharacteristically) into the beauty of the person God created me to be.
And so, I call this space sacred space, holy space. Space truly set aside as different. Space that embodies the presence of God. A place inviolate, protected, secure.
I believe that every child of God, every person in this world, deserves to discover sacred space like this.
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