Discernment

As St. James and I continue walking into our future together, I find we constantly ask God, "Where are you calling us now?" "Where are you calling me now?" As part of the discovery process, I've begun reading Discernment: a path to spiritual awakening by Rose Mary Dougherty. Today, I read:

“Discernment is ultimately about love. It is about seeing, in the moment, the loving action that is mine and having the freedom to respond and to act.”

Today, I am not free. Today has been a difficult day, for no reason outside myself. Today I am bound by shame, some of which is rightfully mine, and some which is not. There are mistakes I have made, tasks I have been incapable of doing or completing, conversations I have done poorly or not at all. There are also haunts of my past and present, things that have been done to me, ways people have acted or failed to act that have hurt me. All of these culminate, some days, in a difficult, encumbering shame.

Today I am not free. I am not free to discern, because my vision is suddenly myopic. I am not free to respond in love, because I am not able to receive this love. I am not free to act, because I am paralyzed by the shame that encompasses me. 

Today, I am not free. And yet, the Loving One still reaches out. The Loving One still reminds me I am named and claimed as a Child of God. I am not destined to be bound by shame. I am not destined to a life without freedom. The embrace of the Loving One does not prevent or obliterate shame. Rather, this touch of God heals. 

Discernment is gift, not goal. In my seeking, in my hoping, in my needing, discernment comes. May I welcome this – thoughtfulness, wisdom, experience, relationship, healing touch. May I welcome God into my midst, into myself.